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The Top Five Things People “LOVE” About Lawyers

Jun 10, 2024 | Phillip J. Addis

Attorneys perennially rank amongst the most hated professions, behind politicians and used car dealers. Just ask Shakespeare. As a lawyer, I can understand the feeling when I read about lawsuits on matters that 99 percent of the population would consider laughable.

For example: suing Starbucks because there is too much foam in a latte or for not disclosing that adding ice to “iced drinks” may affect the number of ounces of actual coffee in the cup. Suing Subway because the bread in a "12-inch sub" shrank by 1 inch when it was cooked. My personal favorite is a $5 million lawsuit against Kraft, claiming its Velveeta Mac and Cheese cups took longer to cook than advertised. The Plaintiff claimed the packaging was misleading because it did not factor in time to open the packaging, add water, and stir in the cheese.

Against that backdrop and because Amazon has at least 12 books on sale making fun of lawyers, we cannot take ourselves too seriously. This article is my satirical view on the love/hate relationship the world has with lawyers! Please remember this is all good fun.

1. They Speak Fluent Legalese

Ever had a conversation with a lawyer? People think we speak a different language, which we do – it is called “Legalese.” A magical dialect where simple yes-or-no questions become hour-long discussions. Why say “no” when you can say “under conditions not presently being met” and bill for the extra words?

2. Their Timekeeping Skills Are Second to None

Lawyers have this supernatural ability to make time stretch. Do you think your quick consultation will take 15 minutes? Think again. With their unique skill set, lawyers can make those minutes stretch into hours, and before you know it, you have discussed the weather, your family tree, and yes, somewhere in there, a bit of legal advice—all, of course, neatly tallied in six-minute increments.

3. They Maintain an Aura of Mystery

Who needs straightforward answers when you can live in suspense? As lawyers, we excel at keeping you on the edge of your seat. Will we call today? Tomorrow? Or next week? The suspense is thrilling, akin to waiting for the next episode of your favorite series to drop.

4. They Have a Love Affair with Paper

In an age where everyone else is going digital, lawyers cling lovingly to their paper. Our offices are often nostalgic tributes to the pre-digital era, with mountains of documents on every surface. It is our version of safeguarding the rain-forest - by turning it into paperwork.

5. They are Money Magicians

Lawyers can be absolute wizards when it comes to billing. Who else do you know measures their day (and bills) in 6 minutes intervals? Has a timer on their computer to track how long they talk to people? How do we do it? A special secret practice called “billable hours.”

In Conclusion

While I have poked jest at my fellow lawyers, as lawyers we do get a bad rap. Many people hate lawyers, until they need one. Then the lawyer becomes their best friend.